I came across a quote the other day on Twitter:
“Find what you love and let it kill you.” – James Rhodes via The Guardian (UK)
It has stuck with me since. I keep saying it over and over again in my head.
You see, I wish I knew what that was for me. I never thought that at 25, almost 26, I would still be trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I can’t decide if my problem is that I love too many things and can’t settle on one, or if I just haven’t found the one thing that I love the most…enough to make a career, a life, out of it.
This is something that I try not to stress about too much. After all, I am still young. But when I look at those around me my age, they have a direction, they have a career, they have a degree…I don’t have any of that. (I have a job, yes. And a good one that I am blessed to have. I’m very thankful for my job and, for now, it’s fine. But it’s not something I see myself doing forever.) I took a break from college, and I want to go back. I want to get my degree. But in what? I want to get a degree in something that I’m actually going to use. So, until I figure out what that is…
I constantly rack my brain, and my heart, trying to figure out where I want my life to go. Trying to see the big picture. Trying to find my direction. But it’s either a blank or a jumbled-up mess that I can’t make heads or tails of. Am I supposed to write? Sing? Open a bookstore? Sell handmade items? Am I supposed to move to London and study art? Move to Tuscany or France and study under a chef? Start a non-profit and dedicate my life to eradicating poverty? I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know. It’s one of the most frustrating feelings, made even worse because I’m not exactly a patient person.
There are multiple reason why it frustrates me and stresses me out so much. One is that when I was a teenager, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew my road. I may not have known all the stops along the way, but I knew where I was headed. And now that’s completely gone. Another big thing is the loss of my dad. I mean, everyone knows that life, anyone’s life, can be over in an instant. But I didn’t really know that until all of the sudden, one of the people that I love the most, was ripped out of my life. When that happens, your whole outlook on changes. It really sunk in that there is no guarantee of tomorrow. And it made me realize that I don’t want to waste what time I have. That’s why I’m so desperate to find where I belong. I want a life that has meaning. I want to have a purpose. I want to make a career for myself that let’s me shine through, that gives me an outlet for my creativity. I just can’t seem to find what that is.
This seems to always be on my mind, and when I saw that quote, I knew it was time to write about my struggle. Becuase the truth is, being directionless makes me feel lost most of time. Like I’m just floating. Waiting.
So pray for me, please. And if you aren’t religious, then send me guiding thoughts, I don’t know. I don’t really know what I need to help me. Maybe someone out there who reads this does. I hope so.